Know ye the place where the fool’s-cap and rattle
Are emblems of deeds that are done all the time;
Where Juniors allow their poor asinine prattle
To burst in effusions of villainous rhyme;
Where Museum odors the atmosphere fill,
And the sealpel of Trussel* may never be still;
Where Holmes† in his glory, mid fossils and shells,
And antedeluvian skeletons, dwells;
Where students(?) trigged off in their silver and blue,
Chat and smoke, (for they’ve nothing much better to do);
Where we go into Chapel, and listen to Fudge,‡
And then to Porcher, Miles and Hawkey§ we trudge?
’Tis the College of Charleston where all this is done,
The greatest old humbug that’s under the Sun!
Ye College walls! ye College walls!
What tales on students could ye tell,
Of wild cats put in Chapel Halls,
And clapper wrenched from the bell!
Strange place! where discord rules by day,
Whilst Peace|| at night holds gentle sway!
Come to my aid, O! College Muse!
My flagging zeal inspire, I pray;
Fresh ardor through my song infuse,
And—(Faith! I don’t know what to say!
But hold! my metre now I’ll alter,
That these lame verses may not falter.)
Bell-clapper! bell-clapper! thy ’larum, so loud,
Calls into the Chapel how motley a crowd!
To listen to Finley they rush through the door—
Fresh, junior and Senior, and gay Sophomore!
O! who is more brave than a gay Sophomore!
With six buttons behind and nine buttons before!
To mildew and moth the abandons his books,
And trusts, for his average, ¶ to talent or luck.
But lo! who come yonder! ’tis Hawkey** and Miles;
The first looking gruff, and the latter all smiles!
How different they look! faith, whoever may see’t
Can Scarcely deny that extremes sometimes meet!
There’s Hawkey! just see how he crabs it along,
With his breeches too large and his stock buckled wrong!
Whilst Miles in his tights and his smooth plastered hair,
Twirls up his moustache with so savage an air!
Great Miles! he who wields the satirical pen,
And uses up brownly the manners of men!
His satire is cutting, so ere it hath torn you,
just “longe fuge; ferum habet in cornu”!††
And see! who comes staving along all alone!
With a figure composed of tough parchment and bone;
With a large mass of hair sticking fast to his face,
while his boots and his breeches are running a race!
’Tis Gibbes, who is willing a life-time to pass,
’Mongst telescopes, crucibles, planets and gas;
His name, ’mongst the students, I needs must suppresss,
Since it might offend him, which would give me distress.
But hark! I hear footsteps! Saints guard us! what’s this!
I see a huge beard coming up the stair-case!
A mop whose vast size even Bluebeard might scare—
Is’t a goat, or a human, which wears so much hair!
A goat ! ha! ha! ha! ’tis no goat, I’m afeared,#
For I see too large fingers now, twisting the beard!
Since old Jasper§§ the College ne’er suffered from sway
Of such a hairy-faced Bug|||| as old Freddy Porcher.
Old Fudge is the last who requires a verse;
His voice, it sound sour, his face, it looks worse.
Both Juniors and Seniors owe him an old grudge,
So a health to the President, Finley or Fudge!
A single fact only is left me to add,
Strange enough in itself, yet makes me feel glad—
Mysterious truth! unknown to Ancient Rome,
Where Peace prevails, dark Nero¶¶ makes his home!
*The taxidermist of the Museum.——† Curator of Museum, and Professor of Natural History.——‡ “Fudge,” College name
for President, Finely.——§ Three Professors of Sophomore and Fresh. years.——|| Tom Peace, Janitor of C. C.——¶ The average
mark for the term; requisite to determine the grade of the student.——**College name for Prof. Hawkesworth.——†† Hor. Lib. I.
Sat. IV. line 33.——‡‡ A “poetical licence” for afraid.——§§ Jasper Adams, former President of C.C.——|||| Professor.——
¶¶The negro man-of-all work, who attends to the College.